The always stylish, hilarious, and painfully honest, Ted Kruckel, recently reviewed NYC’s luxury brands’ holiday propaganda for his column in BizBash. Ted: “A while back, my editors asked me to take a look at this year’s holiday windows in Manhattan, a plum assignment, but still I procrastinated like crazy. So here, finally, stripped down to the core,” are a sampling of his findings from Scanning New York’s Holiday Windows: Notes on Tiffany, Saks, Lady Gaga, Tasteful Scaffolding, and More

Bergdorf Goodman “I love the crazy luxe of the BG windows, overseen forever by fashion director Linda Fargo and her team. They are like beautiful fantasies you want to crawl into and live in forever. They are all so brilliant and zanily detailed, I could spend hours just on them. But I’m sticking to highlights. One small window in the front has a sequined Oscar de la Renta dress that must cost a zillion dollars. (My editor told me there was no time for fact-checking, sorry!) The sequins follow an absurdly ornate print in dark reds, exotic purples and blues, really every color under the sun, and the whole window is dark and moody and vaguely Oriental, and I know it is not cool to say Oriental, but that is the word that comes to mind.” –Ted

“Across the street at the men’s store is a gentleman’s club meets taxidermist, with different animal heads topping the various suited mannequins. It isn’t outrageous, just clubby and cool.” –Ted

Bottega Venetta “Up until now, I have been convinced that Bottega Venetta can do no wrong. Beautiful products, tasteful branding and advertising. Its windows are color-driven by pink and orange ready-to-wear and accessories. It is pretty enough. But there are these weird white things on the floors of all the windows. Is it snow? On closer inspection, I see that these are replicas of their bags and totes carved out of what looks like soap. Finally, I see one has a little white thing sticking out of the top. Oh, they’re candles. So I go in and ask where the candles are. They are display only, not for sale, which makes me want one even more. So I ask, what time do you light them each night? Oh, we don’t light them. So then what is the point? I leave kind of relieved that they have such a small and fruitless concept.” –Ted

St. John “Here’s the winner, hands down, for the ugliest windows. There are others that are tackier, or more vulgar, but none come close to the mud-gray velour curtains that reveal some yellow-and-black brocade eveningwear. I wonder, “Is it winter or resort?” I decide that no season is the right one to wear any of these hideous fabrics.” –Ted

If you want to keep the laughter going click here for the full article with all twenty critical recaps of designer holiday disasters and masterpieces.
And click here to check out more of Ted’s always-funny endeavors at BizBash.
Above photos by Jika González for BizBash.